I hold several values most important in my life and strive to hold on to them loosely as I go about my day at home and at work. While I haven't always had a word to put to them (values are inherently difficult to put into language, with specific words frequently feeling close, but not quite right), over the last several years I have embraced this as one of them: I love knowing things. I want to know all of the things! I love learning, I love digging in to complex topics, I love knowing what is going on in the lives of my loved ones, I love knowing what is happening online and in pop culture... knowing is so much a part of who I am! It might be the Autism, but I also find that my knowing is never particularly fact-focused. I am terrible at history (as long as history is about knowing dates, places, and people). I am terrible at remembering state capitals. I don't think I ever really memorized the periodic table of elements. But when the knowing is focused on story, on threads that weave into multiple ways of being, and on the small and big picture - that's the stuff I hunger to know.
One of the areas of knowing I have been focusing on since grad school is in learning about the culture that exists in the US, especially here in the south, and how it came to be. I have been exploring this from several (related but different) angles: capitalism, Zionism and Evangelicalism, and white supremacy. In what started as a way to figure out the vast differences in beliefs between the dominant cultural groups in the US, I have seen ripples down into smaller and more specific areas of my life. As a cis-gendered white woman in a helping profession, I have tried to stay cognizant of the influences of power and systemic harm that exist in my day to day life and impact the experiences of the people I interact with. But in my own home? My partner is white. My children are white. Our family trees are white-white*. I never would have expected my parenting journey to have anything to do with white supremacy culture (or white-body supremacy, as it is sometimes called); yet in my desire to know, I now see the tendrils of white supremacy reaching into the way I interact with my own children.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee it.
Most of what I'm using to structure this exploration of white supremacy culture comes from the writings of Tema Okun, who is responsible for whitesupremacyculture.info, though both Tema and I have been influenced by the writings and works of a wide variety of people. For me this list includes bell hooks, Resmaa Menakem, Jennifer Mullan, Ibram X. Kendi, Robin DiAngelo, Dorothy Roberts, and many more. The following components of white supremacy culture are not exhaustive or necessarily exact. There are people who may disagree, and I'm sure with more time and more conversation, there are more concepts to discuss and untangle. Nonetheless, this list of ten components have been the ones I have found to be helpful in my own exploration of white-body supremacy.
For each component, I'll share a brief overview of what it looks like generally and some possible antidotes (based on Tema Okun's writing) and I'll also share a bit about what the component looks like in terms of my own parenting and/or parenting in general. This discussion is not prescriptive - I'm not sharing this from a place of being right and pressuring anyone else to think, believe, or do anything in particular. Consider, if you may, this blog a personal exploration of what these topics mean to me and an invitation to consider their place in your own world. As Tema Okun writes,
"If you read these characteristics and qualities as blaming or shaming, perhaps they are particularly alive for you. If you find yourself becoming defensive as you read them, lean into the gift of defensiveness and ask yourself what you are defending" (Okun, 2021, p.6).
- Fear: "White supremacy culture's number one strategy is to make us afraid" (Okun, 2021, p. 7).
- When we are afraid (of being too much or not enough, of what could or might happen, or something else), we are easily manipulated by offers of safety, regardless of how true that safety is. Safety offered from people in positions of power during times of fear are often false, leading to increased othering and the possibility of violence.
- In parenting I have seen this in a number of ways. First, I have seen parental fear used in legislation focused on "parents rights" that have led to anti-trans bills at the state level and rules/standards at the local level. I have seen fear of possible eternal consequences sparked in parents who are then encouraged to go against their own instinct and values and engage in harm at multiple levels - from use of corporal punishment in the home to sending children away to conversion camps.
- Personally I have felt myself being led by fear in a number of ways that have influenced by parenting. When I think of the freedom and autonomy I had as a child in the 90s, my own fear (based on incredibly rare potential risk) has led me to being much more restrictive of my own kids. I can't imagine letting my oldest run around the neighborhood out of my (or another adult's) eyes. My fear of the potential dangers that exist with access to technology has led me to be very restrictive of my children's access and I have found myself struggling to navigate their right to privacy. It's my fear that led me to choose a no-sleepover rule, which I know has been a disappointment to my oldest child. All of these examples are potentially ways I am being too much driven by fear and limiting my kids' experiences of "normal" childhoods.
There are other ways where my fears have shown up and been potentially problematic, though. Since 2016 I have found our country to be not at all a safe place, and with each instance of hate, I find myself wanting to pack my kids up and run. It's so tempting to imagine leaving this community behind and escaping to some place where these problems don't exist (if that type of place even exists in reality), and I do think in some ways that is what the system would prefer for us to do. The more homogenous the culture, the easier it is to dictate norms. This is white supremacy culture in action.
- Perfectionism, One-Right-Way, Paternalism, and Objectivity:
- There is one correct way of being and way to do things, and any person or group that defies that or doesn't adopt the "right way" is wrong, misguided, deficient in some way, etc. Making mistakes is seen as a reflection of someone being wrong, bad, etc. as opposed to being a simple behavioral mistake. People making the "mistakes" are not the people who are involved in deciding what is considered to be right or correct. There is little ability to or interest in appreciation for what is going well. The people in power believe they deserve their position of power and are in a better position to decide what is right and what is wrong. Decision making should be rational and objective, not influenced by or taking emotion into account. Emotions are seen as dangerous, destructive, and misguided, with no place in effective decision making.
- In parenting my own children, I have seen this particular (multi-faceted) dimension of white supremacy culture show up so frequently. It has been very sneaky, and it has been difficult for me to tease apart my instincts from the unhelpful, harmful aspects of these concepts. For example, it has been instinctive for myself (and my husband) to parent from a place of power wherein we know best, and our expectations often lean in the direction of expecting compliance (and often without emotion). As a child we heard "because I said so" from our own parents, and are familiar with the phrase "give you something to cry about," so this natural tendency to lean on our power really impacts our parenting. I have attempted to remedy this by being intentional with a democratic version of rule setting (using a family rule system where the entire family, children included, have a say in what our rules and what the consequences should be for those rules). I am not always great at this, so this is one particular area where I am still working.
One way I can see the progress I have made in terms of this component is related to perfectionism. I have always had a natural perfectionistic tendency (hello, Autism), so much of my own work has been focused on dethroning perfectionism from my own life. In parenting this has looked like owning my mistakes, apologizing to my children when I need to, and balancing mercy along with consequences. I give chances and choices. I talk explicitly with my youngest about how I love her outside of our behavior (e.g., "I love you even when I'm grumpy" or "wow, we really made a mess of this afternoon! I wonder if we can have some snuggle time and then get back on track?"). We talk about our "big feelings" and encourage feeling those big feelings. I express openly when I'm having feelings and ask my kids for what I need, and when they are expressing big feelings, I (don't always, but frequently) try to check in with them about their needs in those moments. We discuss big feelings (in ourselves and/or in each other) that surprise us and try to work through what they mean (if anything). And, my favorite, we often talk about our feelings and thoughts as being the creation of our brains, not of us, which is a tricky concept! But all of our brains can come up with some silly ideas, especially in relation to what we are feeling, and learning that we can pause before we follow through with those ideas has led to some really beneficial skills (e.g., "I'm overwhelmed by the noise and my brain wants me to yell and run away!" as opposed to feeling overwhelm and lashing out immediately).
- Qualified: The people in power are also the best people to solve the problems
- This concept is related to the previous one in that the people in power (in our culture, usually the white middle- and upper-middle class) are the ones seen as being qualified to identify and solve problems. This shows up in Academia, where lived experience is inherently lesser than citations in published research. It shows up in the ways we vote and for whom we view as deserving of our votes. It shows up in the ways we build advisory and executive boards for non-profits who focus on the needs of their communities.
- In parenting, I think the most obvious way that this shows up is in the belief (assumption) that parents know better because we are older (and being older means knowing more, knowing better, and being responsible for ensuring that we lead and guide). The authoritarian style of parenting (known to utilize both high control and low warmth) is essentially coming from this point of view, and we have decades of research showing us that this style of parenting actually causes problematic behavior to increase as opposed to decrease, even if it shows up in sneaky ways (this concept could be at least one whole blog on its own, so forgive me for being brief).
- In my own life and parenting, I have seen this show up in ways that are most directly tied to capitalism. This piece of white supremacy culture tells us who is qualified, but from there it also demands that we conform to those ways of being in our own lives and we then force others to conform to those ideals in their lives, too. Qualified is business-forward. Qualified is what we believe brings success and a secure future. Qualified does not value or allow space for individualism, creativity, or exploration. Our current system of education is very much working from this framework in that every kid is supposed to fit into the education model and become successful, immediately going to college, and then immediately going into the workforce and achieving the American dream. Qualified is following the rules at all times, making straight As and 4.0s. It is valuing STEM over the arts and emotional wellness. I think, again maybe because of my Autism, my own experiences growing up showed me the lack of benefit in listening to those who are qualified and playing by the rules, which has led me to being a naturally more rebellious person. I also encourage this in my children. We talk about rules that don't make sense (e.g., dress codes being more focused on girls than boys) and how rules are made by people and because of that, they can change at any time (for good or bad). I value and encourage the arts. While college is an option that I'm actively planning for, it isn't a requirement.
- Either-Or and the Binary
- This characteristic focuses on the idea that life can and should be simplified. That things are going to be either good or bad and right or wrong, and that people are either with us or against us. It also requires us to believe that complex problems have very simple causes/solutions. For example, that poverty is simply a problem of poor education. This characteristic also has links with perfectionism. What I do is either good or bad - there is no in between. There is no room for growth. This characteristic becomes highlighted during times of real or perceived urgency. Leaders will push for a choice between two options without any allowance for or recognition of the need for time to explore possible alternatives, and oppressors will frequently use this binary thinking as a way to pit groups or individuals against one another as opposed to identifying their shared oppression.
- Antidotes to this characteristic of white supremacy culture are plentiful! Slowing down - by taking a break, encouraging brainstorming of alternatives, and by teasing apart what is actual urgency vs. perceived or man-made urgency. Notice when you and others use either/or thinking and speaking, and point it out. When simple solutions are posed for complex issues, point out the complexity and encourage alternatives.
- In terms of parenting, I initially think of this component in terms of cognitive and moral development. Early in life (think early elementary school age), children think and evaluate behavior through a very binary lens. Rules are non-negotiable, and classmates who break the rules are bad. Period. (Hello, little tattle-tales). TV shows and movies have good guys and bad guys. But as we age, we do start to tease apart how people are more complex than this. Even "bad" people can do good things. And (harder for me), "good" people also do bad things.
In the psychology world, there's even a cognitive bias related to this idea of good people and bad people called the fundamental attribution error. This very normal bias in thinking explains our tendency to attribute other people's bad behavior to something about them and their personality; whereas we are more likely to attribute our bad behavior to something in the environment or outside of our control. For example, they failed their test because they are either lazy or unintelligent. I failed the test because the test was too hard or the teacher is too tough. Being able to notice this bias (which really is another version of this either/or characteristic of white supremacy culture) and utilize the antidotes is the way to preventing ourselves from falling victim to it.
With my kids, I find myself frequently confronting this idea that people are either good or bad. We talk a lot about "good guys and bad guys," and because of some of the work I do, that all of us are capable of doing good and bad. There's some perfectionism here, too, because if I believe other people are capable of both good and bad, it requires me to confront the idea that I am also capable of doing good and bad. There's now room for growth. There's room for me to be wrong. And that means that I can apologize for mistakes that I make with my children. This is one of the most powerful parenting practices I know.
- Progress is Bigger/More and Quantity over Quality
- This characteristic is all about the assumption that the ultimate goal is "to be/do/get more and be/do/get bigger" (p. 15). As a result of this ultimate goal, what we assume to be success is limited to this idea of more and bigger (as opposed to something like relationships or learning, for example). This means that there often isn't room to consider different kinds of costs, like those associated with "social, emotional, psychic, embodied,
spiritual, and financial" areas of our lives. It also means that people are valued more when they are reflecting our value of growth and more. People who move up the ranks at work are people who are successful; whereas, people who stay stable or who make "lateral" career moves might be seen as less successful. It also means that we are focused on what the next move is, both for ourselves and for others. There is an assumption of a next move. Because this characteristic is focused on bigger and more, goals that can be reflected by numbers become the goals we focus on, which means that things that are less quantifiable, like feelings, are irrelevant. Regardless of the emotional cost, the right thing is to grow and do more.
- Antidotes to this attachment and insistence on bigger/more can begin with one of the values found in the Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) culture: what is done today should result in sustainability seven generations from now. In my own growth and education I have been focusing on related to white supremacy culture, I have found myself to the work of Robin Wall Kimmerer, who describes herself as "mother, scientist, decorated professor, and enrolled member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation." In reading one of her books, Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants, I have found myself moved by the way that indigenous cultures related to and with the earth, plants, animals, etc. in a way that doesn't separate themselves from all of these other beings. Humans are one of many types of spirit that exist; neither better or worse than, and not in dominion over any other. I find some similarity to this belief to the way that Marie Kondo's KonMarie method encourages greeting homes and thanking inanimate objects for their impacts on and benefits to our lives. When we begin to see each of the physical things in our life as more than just things to own and consume, they begin to mean more. Consumption for consumption's sake begins to feel less rewarding. Our relationships (even to non-human things) become changed.
It can also be helpful to not only consider the outcome of our and others' work, but also what our expectations and goals are for our experience of that work. How do we want work to feel for us? And how might progress look different from just bigger and/or more? As Tema Okun suggests,
"how many times did we laugh together today? how many times did we express gratitude? how many times did we allow silence? how many times did we allow dissent?" (p. 17).
- Parenting in the United States is definitely a practice of pushing back against this idea of more, more, more. My children are constantly looking for the next thing, the better thing, and more things; and if I'm honest, so am I! Capitalism is impossible to fully separate from white supremacy culture for this very reason. One way I attempt to push back against this with my children is in talking about the inherent value of people, despite and regardless of their "success" through this bigger/more lens. I talk with them, on purpose, about the people who our culture disvalues and their inherent worth. I talk to my plants, car, computer, printer, and other things as if they are alive (not just when they aren't cooperating, which is when my talking to them seems to come more naturally).
I also love Tema Okun's earlier questions when I think of this characteristic with my children. How many times did we laugh together today? How many times did we sit in silent love and admiration for one another? How many times did I pause and be present with them?
A more subtle way this can show up is in our expectations for our children and their success; for example, that higher education comes after high school, and that their work will include growth and more and bigger. That stability is not enough. What is next? And next? And next?
- Worship of the Written Word
- Worship of the Written Word means that we disvalue and discard the multiple ways that we, as a species, do and have communicated throughout history and the different ways of knowing and communicating that exist outside of our species. What is written is what is valued, and beyond that, what is written correctly is what matters. Thinking about the style of writing that is taught in school and in academia/research, we value what can be cited, and what can be cited is only valued when the citation comes from published literature. Lived experience is not valid unless it is attached to peer-review and publication. As a result, decisions being made about what communities need (and the determination of what money is provided to which needs) is based not on community, but on published literature and citations.
As an academic, this has been and continues to be a characteristic that I find myself frequently attached to. I value the science and the research! I love to have data to support my beliefs and decisions! And seeking the data to support my beliefs/decisions is often my first instinct. When people choose in ways that contradict the research, it takes effort for me to allow that to just be.
- Antidotes to this characteristic of white supremacy culture focus on increasing our understanding of types of communication and ways of knowing, with an intentional embrace of no one right way. If communication is happening, how is it being consumed by people within and outside of the group? What actually does need to be written down, and what can be documented in other ways? Practice listening, especially without obeying the urge to write things down.
- As a parent I find it difficult to explore this particular characteristics. One thought I had was in the way that my children understand written language, especially when the language is coming from a system or organization wherein they have no power. For example, what does it mean to read or hear different labels applied to them without their consent? What does it mean to be told (via verbal and written language) that their experience is "normal" when it feels out of the ordinary, or that they are performing "below standards"? How can I help them to understand written standards within their context (e.g., dress code at school)? How do I help them to understand the communication style of different cultures (e.g., AAVE) and disrupt the idea that their style is more or less appropriate or "correct" than any other? And how can I help them to work and get their needs met within a system that worships the written word?
- Individualism and I'm the Only One
- I find myself taking a very deep breath as I am preparing to type about this one. This is one of the most blatant characteristics of white supremacy culture in the United States, and I do find that people are, first of all, confused that it is a characteristic of white supremacy culture and, secondly, that there is value in collectivism. Individualism is the idea that ultimately, we are all responsible for and capable of success if only we work hard enough and long enough. We just need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps! Individualism also shows up in our insistence that we are an individual and not simply part of a group (e.g., not all men, not like other girls, not racist like those other white folks, etc.), so we are not vulnerable to the same behavioral/cognitive problems. For BIPOC folks, this gets more complicated. They frequently report being punished and/or facing repercussions for acting individually (e.g., without asking permission, without checking with the team, etc.) when they are viewed as not being a "team player." Individualism leads to loneliness and isolation, and it causes a need for individual praise and acknowledgement, even when our work is always influenced and supported by others.
The "I'm the Only One" part of this shows up in relationship with perfectionism. If it's going to be done right, I'll have to do it myself. It leads to micromanagement and a failure to delegate, which reflects a perceived or actual lack of trust in others. Those in leadership are frequently the people who are the first to step up, talk the loudest, and are most charismatic.
- Antidotes begin with our understanding of ourselves within all of the layers of influence and our roles in the dominant and non-dominant groups inform our and others' beliefs about ourselves and others. As a cisgendered white woman, I hold privilege in spaces and ways that my Black and Brown friends do not. In spaces that reflect the experience of men, though, that experience with privilege changes. As a white woman, my inherent experience of the world is based in racist roots and systems, regardless of whether I believe myself to be racist or not. Regardless of whether I believe myself to be good or not. I must also understand myself to know what strengths I bring to a group or a cause, and to know that others have strengths that are both similar to and different from my own, none of which being necessarily better or worse. Collaboration is equally as valuable as the product.
- Parenting is meant to be a relationship, which by definition requires collaboration. I am not teaching my children how to human. We are being human with each other! I can think of moments when I have felt the pressure to "do it right, and so, do it myself," and how difficult it was to navigate those moments in a collaborative way. There have been times when I have wanted to step in and manage my child's relationship with someone (especially people who hold power over them, like teachers) both because I wanted to disrupt the power and because, when I really dig down into it, I believe that I have the ability to solve this relationship better and quicker than my child would. And how difficult to navigate between this urge and the urge for me to force them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Collaborating with my children means so many different things within all of the contexts we find ourselves in. I find myself overwhelmed, too, how many of the other characteristics of white supremacy culture show up and interact with this one.
- Defensiveness and Denial
- Defensiveness and denial are two of the most impactful features of white supremacy culture in that white supremacy culture requires us to not talk about it. Any time wherein we speak truth to power, there will be a risk of defensiveness and denial in response. Systems built upon power cannot withstand "attacks" of that power. Defensiveness means that criticism, especially of people in or systems of power, is "rude." Systems are in place with a focus on preventing abuse and protecting power as opposed to being based on individual strengths and abilities. This defensiveness and denial also shows up as people of dominant groups deny their status/privilege. "I can't be racist! I have a Black friend." "I don't see color." Denial thrives when we insist that racism requires intent. And ultimately defensiveness and denial results in a culture where people are unable and unwilling to speak their truth.
- The main antidote for the issue of defensiveness and denial is in understanding how these show up in relation to fear (especially feared loss of power/privilege). When we shift our understanding of the purpose of community from being product only to being both collaboration and product, we are also more willing to acknowledge and make space for critiques and criticism. It is worth the practice of discussing defensiveness when it happens, before it happens, and after it happens - what are we defending? What power dynamics are at play? What are we protecting and what costs might there be in protecting or defending it? Antidotes to denial are rooted in valuing others as equal to us, understanding that there are different ways of knowing, and that collaboration is as important as outcome. Instead of saying something is not racism, ask, "how is this racism?" For white folks, this means that we must first embrace that naming racism is the first step to reconciliation and repair, and that our racism is due to conditioning, and not a reflection of who we know ourselves to be.
- Right to Comfort, Fear of Open Conflict, and Power Hoarding
- These characteristics rest on the belief that comfort is the natural state, that I (or the figurative I and we) deserve to feel comfortable, so any discomfort is outside of what is deserved, normal, or appropriate. Even more so when that discomfort is perceived by others. This (especially in conjunction with the concept of valuing logic over emotion) means that our brains are naturally more focused on the story around the emotion and not on the relationship or the emotional experience of the other. People who speak passionately, especially about uncomfortable topics, then become outcast or scapegoats (e.g., the "angry Black woman"). Reactions to those expressions of emotion tend to be rejected through an insistence on the intention rather than the actual issue. I'm not racist then overrides any willingness to explore how racism might be present, and instead of supporting relationship through exploring racist systems at play, those in power reject and exclude those already disadvantaged by the system. These characteristics also imply that there are right and wrong ways and times to discuss problems and to confront or hold people/systems accountable, while not actually providing for those ways and times.
- Antidotes to this characteristic of white supremacy begins at what I consider to be one of the primary tasks of both parenting and also of therapy: discomfort is normal, healthy, and often the path for growth and connection. Practicing being uncomfortable and learning how to navigate emotion without allowing the protective fight and flight system of our limbic systems to overtake everything else - this is where deep relationship develops. There is also benefit to learning how to interact with feedback as a gift and not as an attack, and especially when the feedback relates to complex, sneaky, and predatory systems such as white supremacy. The white supremacy system is built with an innate purpose of avoiding anyone noticing it is even there, so it is natural that it would show up in our behavior, beliefs, and relationships in surprising and hidden ways. The characteristics of white supremacy also thrive within systems where power is ambiguous, untrustworthy, and/or absolute, so another antidote is to be intentional and specific about power dynamics and actively work to dismantle or disarm them. Assume the best of everyone, even when in disagreement. And, as Tema Okun suggests, "lean in to the racial equity principle of "know yourself" and develop strategies for making
friends with your ego so that you are leading and/or acting from a place of integrity rather
than fear or anxiety about your importance".
- Urgency
- Urgency has come up several times within this blog already, and I find it to be one of the most powerful tools with which a white supremacist system sets us up for behavior that directly conflicts with our values. By highlighting actual urgency and by creating false urgency, our brains are set to be functioning from a place of unconscious, innate fight-or-flight pressure. We know (from this blog, but more importantly, from the scientific literature) that when we are primarily driven by fight-or-flight, we are more likely to make decisions based on a faulty cost-benefit analysis (the literature shows a more cost-heavy approach), to resist change, and to struggle with logic. This system is also naturally reinforcing - when we lead with fear, our brains feel relief, which means we are more likely to follow our fear next time. This sense of urgency disconnects us from our ability to breathe and make complex decisions, balancing all of the possible choices, and checking in with individual and group values. Urgency causes us to focus on immediate results at the expense of possible long-term benefits. As someone who is neurodivergent, it's also important to note that urgency privileges those people who are able to process information quickly over those who need more time. Urgency, whether real or perceived, also reinforces the concept of deadlines and urgency, even in situations or settings where there might not be.
Urgency is also particularly powerful in the process of eliminating white supremacy because of it's focus on immediate results over long-term success. White supremacy is impacting people now. White supremacy is killing people now. There is some urgency to unlearning and disentangling ourselves from this system. But this is not a problem that is easy or fast to solve. Because changing culture is such a "two steps forward and two steps back" kind of process, a sense of urgency leads to burnout.
- The antidote to urgency at the personal level is in purposeful slowing down and purposeful exploration of what deadlines are actual deadlines and what priorities should follow. There are many deadlines that, while maybe not without consequence, are still mostly flexible. Even deadlines that feel very serious can have rescue. I think of taxes: here in the U.S., tax day is April 15; however, I have found the government quite happy to accept payment late (even if with an added fee). Slowing down allows us to negotiate what we are willing to do, when, and at what level of attention/effort. And it's these same techniques that can then be translated to the family, group, and organizational level. It is also important, at all levels, to consider and define how decisions will be made when the urgency is real. Who will be involved? Who has the final say? How will these situations be communicated to those impacted by them?
- In parenting, I have found urgency impacting me and my children in a couple major ways. First, I think some of the real and perceived urgency I experience in my work has a way of bleeding into my home life. When my brain has been running and running and running during the day, it takes real intention and effort to slow down when I'm home. I find myself rushing my kids in ways that lead to distress (and, let's be honest, none of us end up having a good time), and all for no reason! Perhaps because of my own neurotype (which means my children also have similar neurotypes - you know, apples not falling far from trees and all), I also see urgency on the part of my children when it comes to their own perfectionism and deadlines. It's hard to do our best work (or sometimes even what feels like good work) when under a fast-approaching deadline. What if good enough is good? What if we just say no to it altogether? There are so many more options than urgency allows.
Bringing Threads Together
The act of seeing these characteristics - and recognizing their pervasive, self-reinforcing nature - is inherently uncomfortable. It calls into question the "goodness" of one’s intentions and the very nature of the systems we were taught were neutral or even beneficial. This discomfort is not a sign of real danger or of failure; it is a gift. It is the signal that the work of unseeing and unlearning is truly underway.
The final characteristic we explored, urgency, highlights the core tension in this work. White supremacy is causing real, immediate harm now, and for all of us, not just for Black and Brown folks. It is creating a powerful, innate drive to rush toward a fast, decisive solution. Yet, the work of cultural change is slow.
This blog is not meant to prescribe a "right way" to parent or to dismantle these systems. After all, a prescriptive approach would be a betrayal of the antidote to the One-Right-Way component itself. Instead, I hope this personal journey serves as an invitation to lean into your own curiosity and your own discomfort. I’ve shared how I am using small, intentional moments to push back:
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Practicing the pause and purposefully slowing down when I feel myself rushing my children, checking my internal deadlines, and reminding myself that “good enough is good” to counter Urgency and Perfectionism.
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Encouraging collaborative relationship by apologizing for my mistakes and owning my capacity for both "good" and "bad" to disrupt Individualism and Either-Or thinking.
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Listening for different kinds of value - the number of times we laughed, sat in silent love, or allowed disagreement - to disrupt the focus on Quantity over Quality.
These are not grand, revolutionary acts. They are the small, daily moments of relational change that build new neural pathways - for both me and my kids, and hopefully bleeding into the way we are in community with others outside of our home. Will you join us?
*When I say white-white, I recently traced my ancestry back to the literal Puritans who arrived on the Mayflower. I should also mention, though, that "white" is a construct that has been created relatively recently and, as a label of race, tells us nothing about ethnicity. Being white in the US means we are often detached from and devoid of cultural and ethnic history and tradition. My ancestors were not white - they were Scottish and English. White supremacy culture drives us away from those deep ethnic roots of identity as a way to perpetrate racism and divide us into overtly us vs. them subgroups that feed and encourage prejudice and discrimination (and more white supremacy).
References
Okun, T. (2021). White supremacy culture: Still here. White Supremacy Culture. Retrieved from
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XR_7M_9qa64zZ00_JyFVTAjmjVU-uSz8/view